The Bachelorette: A Preview

If at first you don't succeed, humiliate yourself on television.

Flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, and the scent of Love™ (brought to you by the Disney Corporation) is in the air — that’s right, it’s Bachelorette season. This year, the beautiful Jojo Fletcher will take the reigns of ABC’s sex fueled chariot ride disguised as a television show.

This is Jojo’s world, we’re just living in it.

It’s been a while since we left off, so allow us to refresh you. Last season, the mighty Ben “Too Boring to Even Get a Nickname” Higgins found love with an equally dull Lauren B. Ben’s proposal, however, came just one episode after he told both Lauren and this year’s Bachelorette, Jojo, he was in love with both of them. ZOINKS! It seems that Jojo got the last laugh though, as post-fame Ben can now be found doing whatever it is he’s doing here:

Is this a sex thing?

But now it’s Jojo’s time to shine, and ABC has finally released the men who will be fighting for a rose come May 23. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights:

Brandon – “I don’t have a job, but I also smoke weed.”


Age: 28
Occupation: Hipster

Meet Brandon. Brandon is a full time hipster. No, actually — he listed “hipster” as his occupation, which we can assume means he was unemployed before it was cool.

Grant – “I could freak you good, girl.”


Age: 27
Occupation: Firefighter

Grant may have listed his employment as firefighter, but clearly his full-time occupation is chin.

Coley – “Do you wanna see my collection of insects and minerals?”


Age: 27
Occupation: Real Estate Consultant

We feel like Coley definitely has a pet lizard. We cannot confirm, but we’re a solid 99% on that one.

Luke – “No really, you smell fine, this is just how my face always looks.”


Age: 31
Occupation: War Veteran

Either someone forgot to put deodorant on, or Luke is just always anticipating a fist headed toward his inexplicably punchable face. Oh, and thank you for your service, Luke.

Jordan Rodgers – “I should’ve been a kicker.”


Age: 27
Occupation: Former Pro Quarterback

Before you ask, yes, that is actually Aaron Rodger’s little brother Jordan. You know, 2x NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers. The good news for Jordan is that getting cut by three separate NFL teams has prepared him well for Jojo’s inevitable rejection. The bad news, however, is no matter how many roses Jordan receives this season, he will still be his parents’ least favorite son.

Evan – “I’m gonna make too many dick jokes.”


Age: 33
Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert

This one’s a first. Evan lists his occupation as “Erectile Dysfunction Expert,” but it is unclear whether this means he suffers from severe erectile dysfunction or he’s just always fully torqued. I guess it won’t take long to find out though.

James F. – “Just keep smiling James, it’s gonna be okay.”


Age: 34
Occupation: Boxing Club Owner

James F. looks like he just farted and is really happy that you didn’t notice.

James S. – “Beep. Boop. Beep. Boop.”


Age: 27
Occupation: Bachelor Superfan

It is unclear whether James S. was born or was built in a laboratory by ABC executives mixing the personalities of Chris Harrison and the Zodiac Killer. We’d judge him for the Bachelor Superfan part, but hey, we’re the ones writing this preview.

James Taylor – “I will never live up to my parents’ expectations.”


Age: 29
Occupation: Singer-Songwriter

I’ve seen firecrotch and I’ve seen rain.

Vinny – “If you can’t tell, I cut my own hair.”


Age: 28
Occupation: Barber

Despite being a professional barber, Vinny still manages to claim ownership of the worst haircut on the show.

Daniel – “I’m definitely overcompensating for something.”


Age: 31
Occupation: Male Model

Self-described “male model” (pics or it didn’t happen), Daniel refers to his body as a “lambo” not once but twice in his ABC bio. Sounds like a keeper to us.

Nick S. – “I know exactly what I’m doing.”


Age: 26
Occupation: Software Salesman

In a season with an erectile dysfunction expert, a singer-songwriter that can’t actually be named James Taylor, and a white barber who gave himself “the Lebron,” a man taking style tips from Scooby Doo’s Fred is somehow not the most ridiculous thing we’ve seen already.

Screen Shot 2016-05-17 at 2.04.11 PM
At least it worked for Daphne.

We would like to wish the best of luck to all contestants in this upcoming season. We also urge you, upon being sent home, to donate your excessive amount of V-necks, henley shirts, and hair product to charity. Seriously, it could douche-ify a small village.


Images Via ABC Networks, ETonline