The Bachelor: A Guide to Love™

The Bachelor: A Guide to Love™
An in-depth preview of The Bachelor's 20th Season...

By Gabriel Connelly, Ryan Dishell, and Lucas Kaplan

The wait is finally over. On Monday, January 4th, The Bachelor makes a glorious return to ABC for its 20th season. Much has changed during the three Bachelor-less months we suffered through: babies were born, lives were lost, these kids decided to bong Mountain Dew outside the post office…

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Yet after all that, our hearts have remained untouched.

Until now!

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That’s right, Ben Higgins is back and he’s on a quest for Love™ brought to you by the Disney Corporation. Some of you may remember the handsome Ben H., a software salesman from Denver, who finished second runner-up during his run on The Bachelorette’s 11th Season featuring Kaitlyn Bristowe. While Ben may have lost the battle for Kaitlyn’s heart to Shawn “Ryan Schnozzling” Booth, he’s back for a season all to himself. As we prepare for the premier of The Bachelor’s 20th Season, let’s take a look at some of the completely respectable ladies and not at all desperate ladies we’ll be meeting in the weeks ahead.

 

Caila

Caila
Age: 24
Occupation: Software Sales Rep.
Hometown: Hudson, OH

We have a good feeling about Caila. She is in software, so she and Ben can probably whisper sweet nothings to each other about the latest version of Microsoft Office. “It’s a package deal.”

 

Amanda

Amanda
Age: 25
Occupation: Esthetician
Hometown: Rancho Santa Margarita, CA

Notably, Amanda is a mother of two daughters, something that will certainly set her apart from the rest of the contestants; we have reason to believe that Ben is super into MILFs. Amanda lists her favorite things as Netflix, Nutella, and botox. She’s just like us! Also, isn’t she 25?

 

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Amber
Age: 30
Occupation: Bartender
Hometown: Chicago, IL

First things first, welcome back, Amber. We can’t say we missed you a whole lot. The last time we saw Amber she was getting rejected by suspiciously well manicured Dan Cox, after spending some time as a couple. When asked who she would be if she could be anyone for a day, Amber responded that she would be a zookeeper. Dream big Amber.

 

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Shushanna
Age: 27
Occupation: Mathematician
Hometown: Salt Lake City, UT

Shushanna wins the award for smartest sounding fake job.

 

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Breanne
Age: 30
Occupation: Nutritional Therapist
Hometown: Seattle, WA

We’re very curious to see how Breanne does this season, but our statisticians project that she will not make it very far in this competition. For starters, she lists her favorite book as one boldly called: Why Men Love Bitches. According to Breanne, “It’s all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you.” In a competition involving one man and 30 women, we’ll see how that works out for her.

Also noteworthy, Breanne has been married and divorced twice. When love fails try Love™.

 

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Emily & Haley
Age: 22
Occupation: Twins
Hometown: Las Vegas, NV

Only in Vegas can a pair of platinum blondes have “twins” be considered a legitimate occupation. God Bless America! We look forward to the tandem run these girls will inevitably have this season, as their novelty will certainly keep them around.

 

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Isabel “Izzy”
Age: 24
Occupation: Graphic Designer
Hometown: Branford, CT

Izzy seems…normal? Is it possible? Go home, Izzy. We only want what’s best for you.

 

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Jubilee
Age: 24
Occupation: War Veteran
Hometown: Fort Lauderdale, FL

Jubilee was born in Haiti, before being adopted by an American family, and going on to serve in active duty for the military for 4.5 years. In other words, she’s a better person than all of us and deserves better than this.

 

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Rachel
Age: 23
Occupation: Unemployed
Hometown: Little Rock, AR

Major props to Rachel for actually putting “unemployed” as her occupation rather than past Bachelor contestants like, “Jumbotron Operator,” “Tailor/Magician,” or our new favorite, Tiara the “chicken enthusiast.

 

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Tiara
Age: 26
Occupation: Chicken Enthusiast
Hometown: Redmond, WA

Read it and weep folks – Tiara, the chicken enthusiast.

 

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Maegan
Age: 30
Occupation: Cowgirl
Hometown: Weatherford, TX

Not really sure where to begin on this one. All we can say is that despite listing “cowgirl” as her occupation, Maegan somehow manages to not have the least legitimate profession of the group. Thank you Tiara.

Other fun contestants include the FOUR different Laurens, a news anchor, and a self admitted alcoholic dentist.

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

entertainment-2015-01-chris-harrison-chris-harrison-gq-magazine-january-2015-01Images via Twitter, ABC, GQ

 

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