Bachelor Recap, Episode 6: When Pigs Swim

Big Boring Ben takes the girls to The Bahamas in week 6 on The Bachelor

This Monday’s Bachelor episode was one of the more confusing and dramatic pieces of television we’ve ever witnessed. There were tears, backstabs, cankles, and swimming pigs. You know, just your average week.

The episode picks up right where we left off, with Olivia being whisked away to chat with Ben after some of the girls warn him about her not-so-nice qualities. Olivia fires back with some bullshit about being misunderstood because she likes to read books alone in her room while the other girls only talk about vapid things like hair and makeup.

Real life quote from Olivia, “I want to talk smart things.”

Ultimately, Ben lets her keep her rose.

The douché chills are strong with this one.

The rose ceremony continues, and we say goodbye to Jennifer, the small business-owner from Ft. Lauderdale who, on the ABC Website, says her favorite movie is Divergent…okay.

Next stop on the Higgins Train is the Bahamas. The girls scream a lot, pack their bags, and jet away to show off their bikini bods. Gag. Upon arriving, Caila gets the one on one, which unlocks Leah’s inner beast. In case you forgot (because we sure did), Leah is the small blonde who hiked a football to Ben through her ballgown on the first night.

Something about this photo makes me irrationally uncomfortable

She’s never gotten any substantial time with Ben, and does NOT like the fact that Caila gets to add another tally to her one-on-one date score. She’s very upset, telling anyone and everyone that she looks like a complete fool to even still be competing for Ben’s heart. Which is funny, because in actuality, what really makes her seem like a fool is her inability to stop hysterically crying on the bathroom floor for the entire night.

Meanwhile, on Ben and Caila’s date, they wear giant fishing poles as belts and make out HARDCORE. Also, if anybody can tell us what Ben’s horrid lower torso tattoo says, we’ll give you 5 dollars. During dinner, Caila tells Ben that she’s in love with him, but doesn’t like like him — or something stupid like that. To be honest, we have no idea what went on during this conversation, but Cailia wins the rose regardless

On the group date, Ben decides to bring pigs into the ocean to “play” with the girls. Enjoy:

Fun Fact: In an average year, pigs kill six times more humans than sharks.

Seeing the Bachelor contestants trying to fight off a herd of angry, swimming pigs is truly a gift from the ABC gods. Thank you to everyone involved in this decision.

The date takes a turn for the worse though when the girls notice Ben and Lauren B. getting cutsey in the ocean. Girl after girl confronts Ben about how hard it is for them to be there, and Ben gets continuously more and more uncomfortable. The date ends with Leah, in a desperate attempt to save herself, confronts Ben about Lauren B, telling him she’s fake and a bad fit for him in the end. And if THAT wasn’t enough, she ends the night by sneaking into Ben’s room to further sabotage poor Lauren. Unfortunately for her, Ben doesn’t fall for this for a second, and sends her packing.

Bye, Leah… see you on Bachelor in Paradise for SURE.

Then—the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The two-on-one featuring none other than our warring beauties—Olivia and Emily. They go to a pretty beach for a picnic during what appears to be a small hurricane. The hair stylists behind the camera were definitely not pleased about that one.

Subtly flexing her intellectual side in front of Ben, Olivia tells him, “intellectual things are my jam.” Sorry, I’m not sure we can handle all that smart at once, Olivia. Dumb it down for us commoners!

Olivia ends her conversation by telling Ben she has fallen in love with him. Ben goes to get the rose, which, as he treks across the terrifying tornado, we’re sure is for her. Instead, he tells Oliva that he can’t reciprocate her weirdly strong feelings, and Olivia is left sobbing on the side of a cliff while rose petals float in the ocean below. Yikes.

Olivia’s poseidon wrath engulfs the island

This allows Emily to take home the rose, which will surely make Haley (who makes another speaker phone appearance) thrilled….or deeply bitter, since Ben’s twin choice was almost definitely made by picking out of a hat.

Back at the house, Lauren B. is freaking out about the damage Leah’s meltdown could have done to her and Ben’s relationship. This isn’t helped when Ben decides to cancel the cocktail party and go straight into the rose ceremony. Lauren H. is ultimately sent home (bad choice in our opinion) and Lauren B is safe to fight her way to that final proposal.

As of now, our bets are with Amanda, Caila, Lauren B., and Jojo for a final four, but only time will tell… Next week’s preview shows Ben crying for what looks like the entire rest of the season. Get ready…