Bachelor Recap, Episode 5: Wake Up Call

Ben learns the language of love...

Whether you’re trying to keep warm in the midst of blizzards on the East Coast, soaking up the sun in Cali, or working on a lonely farm in Iowa like Chris Soules, everyone can agree on one thing—Monday night is Bachelor night, and OBVIOUSLY we were all watching on the edge of our seats.

START YOUR ENGINES, PLEASE!

The girls arrive in Mexico City, and shamelessly plug the Four Seasons for a good 30 seconds, as if the nicest hotel chain in the world needs Jojo to advertise for them. The one-on-one date card arrives, along with a now-familiar soundtrack of Olivia insisting that she knows she has the date in the bag. Instead, Amanda, the single mom-of two, gets the date card and reminds us that she’s still around.

Before his date with Amanda, Ben decides to surprise the girls by sneaking into their hotel room in the early morning to surprise them with a quick “hello.” Let me make this clear—Ben decides to be a COMPLETE asshole and surprise the girls when they’re ASLEEP (i.e, no makeup, ratty hair, drool) and then broadcast it on national television.

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Lauren H’s retainer is my spirit animal.

At least he tries to make Laruen H. feel better about her heinous retainer situation by claiming he also sleeps with one in. Yeah fucking right, Ben. The worst part about this truly rude surprise though, is that Amanda wakes up looking, FLAWLESS. Wonder how that happened…..Ben then bids adieu to the unrecognizable ladies, telling them they look as “beautiful as ever!” (take a shot every time Ben lies!), and whisks Amanda away for their adventure around Mexico City.

They take a hot air balloon, which is actually very romantic (I give him props for this and this alone) and fly over the city. Their date is romantic, and Amanda does end up opening up to him, but it’s unclear whether or not Ben is ready become a father. We also learned that Ben has literally no idea how to hold a champagne glass.

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You’re doing it wrong, Ben.

Also—Amanda’s voice sounds like Spongebob, and I can’t stop thinking about it. All in all, pro-Amanda, but ultimately, never trust a girl who wakes up looking that good. Get a retainer, and we can talk.

We move on to the group date where the ladies go to… school. To learn Spanish. Now, the last time we found these gorgeous ladies in a classroom, they couldn’t even properly identify Indiana, so this is sure to be an absolute disaster. Almost all the girls except Caila, who can speak Spanish, completely butcher the language. Emily sounds straight up stupid and speaks in English, and Leah can roll her r’s, but it’s Jubilee who makes for the most awkward situation of them all. When it’s her turn to whisper sweet nothings into Ben’s ear, she completely shuts him down saying that “te amo” is what he’s said to the last six girls… well.. yeah…*eye roll* 

The ladies then go to cooking class, where they are asked to pair up. Olivia and Jubilee battle it out over who should get to work with Ben, while Ben stands around looking massively uncomfortable. As usual, Olivia wins, and the two of them run off into the grocery store-sunset together, leaving Jubilee fuming.

Highlights of the group date include Jojo making weird innuendos about how much Ben loves the taste of her taco, Ben subtly getting Olivia to eat mint to calm her dragon breath, and whatever this is…

At the evening portion of the date, Olivia, of course, steals Ben first, much to the dismay of the other women. Lauren B escapes with Mr. Higgins later in the evening however, and they share a very romantic smooch on the streets of Mexico City.

Everyone watching at home puts another dollar in the “Lauren B. for the win” bets jar.

While Ben and Lauren B totally make out, like super hard core, Jubilee is losing her mind over the thought that Ben is with other women. While, this would be an entirely valid thing to worry about in real life, this is the Bachelor we’re talking about…remember what you signed up for, Jubz. It comes with the territory. Ben tries to talk to her but she refuses to hold his hand, and the rest is downhill from there. He tells her he can’t honestly say he sees a future with her, and…he sends her home. Unexpected, but probably the right move. Regardless, she will be dearly missed.

We continue to the end of the date, and Ben hands out a rose to none other than Olivia. Oy. The girls completely freak out, and Olivia places the crown back on her head. Ugh.

Next up is Ben’s date with Lauren H. She’s down to earth, funny, charismatic, and seemingly very normal. Immediate points. They walk a runway at Mexico City fashion week, (which is a thing I guess) and the real models definitely look pissed that some Michigan schoolteacher is stealing their spotlight. But, Lauren kills it and impresses Ben enough to get the rose! Lauren H. seems like a really good choice for Ben—she’s low drama and seems to just want to have a good time. Pass her that crown, Olivia!

At the cocktail party, Olivia tells Amanda she feels like she’s watching an episode of “Teen Mom.” BURRNN. This statement offends not only Amanda, but also Emily, who promptly calls her twin, Haley to complain. The show spends the next five brilliant minutes cutting between Emily sobbing hysterically into the phone, and Olivia exchanging some kind of fake wedding rings with Ben. This really just makes us hope that Haley will be on speaker phone for the other big moments of the show too. Final proposal Facetime with the twins, anyone?

In a twin separation fueled rage mode, Emily snitches to Ben about how much everyone hates Olivia. The episode ends with Ben pulling Olivia aside right before the rose ceremony, which prompts us all to wonder whether or not she’ll live to see another day.

Only time will tell…

Images Via, ABC